well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
