my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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