Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
