That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
