there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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