Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
