Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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