Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
