Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
