The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
