Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
