My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
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I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
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the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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