I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
