My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
