I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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