They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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