everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
