what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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