like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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