Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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