can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I am naked and annoyed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here