finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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