how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
