Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
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