***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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