i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
