I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
