fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
