atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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