She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
