Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
