so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
