I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
