just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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