people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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