I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my being single is dangerous.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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