Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
