It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He shit in the fireplace
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
