Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
