Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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