so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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