I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
