Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
