Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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