if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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