so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
