I think i sorta joined a cult last night
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
