lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
