Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
