I look better un-naked...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
