Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
operation harelip BJ is a go
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
