i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
