yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot