So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
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I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
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traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.