I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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