1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
