I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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