Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
