I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
